Dear James

I went through a period of time where I was feeling lonely and scared. That feeling is something that we’ve all felt before and still feel. Days would feel like endless wars while sleepless nights felt like never-ending nightmare loops. I felt out of control because of the environment that I was conformed in,, which made human right of control inevitably challenging to access due to thirst of power. In parts, some of those fears and lack of control stemmed from the driving crave of how others viewed me. In reality, everyone has a story to tell and that story is always told within the eyes of the beholder. I made the mistake countless times believing that I could change those views. I’ve now learned, in a world filled with writers, no matter what you do in life, in the view of someone out there, you are a villain.

With intentions as pure as water and actions as bright as the sun, in the view of someone, you are just an ordinary person. At the end of the day we all want to feel like we belong somewhere and to know that we are being heard and wanted. Without feeling as if we belong, we question if we are just ordinary. We tend to forget that maybe just maybe to someone else, you are not just ordinary. I went into this phase of people pleasing obsession and still at times struggle with this. In this past, this manifested into me feeling like a puppet being placed into others stories. I am fighting to hold onto my morals and love myself more.

Dreams

I feel scared and lost sometimes in today’s society. These feelings are not new. These feelings have always been around and they are engraved within the human condition. But this time it feels different. I sometimes feel all of these things but what’s bugging me is in today’s world, in those moments, I don’t always feel myself. The world is changing in ways that could be hard to understand. It sometimes feels like an everlasting battle being asked to pay attention in a world that is currently unrecognizable.

How can I participate in this battle if I don’t recognize myself sometimes? There’s sometimes this empty space that I can’t figure out or understand fully and that terrifies me. That space is filled with so much uncertainty. It’s in these moments where I sometimes feel heavy and powerless. I’d love to work on myself and improve better. The ability to understand myself better seems like a high luxury that I am craving.